I had braces when I was 14. And I haven’t seen my orthodontist since I was about 18. But still. It was HIM. He ruined it. And he also broke my tooth.
So how? How can I attribute the demise of my sister’s big day to a man who straightened my teeth many years ago?
Well… I have a cold sore. THAT’S how. Mere weeks from the wedding. I mean, it might be fixed by then. But if it isn’t… and Jute’s maid of honour has a freaking cold sore on her wedding day. Oh, the HORROR.
I never had a cold sore before my braces. And then in the post-braces-tightening stress, one popped up. And I can’t say for suuuure that it was him. But he doesn’t wear gloves. And so, in the absence of having anyone else to blame (or the absence of desire to blame my boyfriend at the time), I blame him. But I can’t prove it. And on top of that, the root canal I had before Christmas is also his fault. This one sliiiightly more probable but also as difficult to prove. Damn it.
So anyway, I’m trying this new
money sucking scheme product. It promises a lot.
Like relieves instantly. Check. (Well… a bit.) Heals faster. Ermm… can’t check that yet. And Invisible. Well… it looks invisible in the picture. Genius. Andddd as the ladies said when they were trying to sell them to
this sucker me, “you can even wear lipstick!” And I thought “Wonderful! Lipstick!” forgetting that I don’t even wear damn lipstick.
But invisible?!?! I’m sorry. NO. Your stupid patch is not invisible. It looks like I’ve got a little sticky dot and placed it upon my lip. And that was after I screwed up the first two patches and they looked like little crumpled up sticky dots on my lip.
So now instead of people looking at my cold sore and being all “ew, she has a cold sore” they are sorta squinting at my lip going “hrmmm… what is that? there’s something stuck to her lip. *tilt head sideways, eyes firmly fixed on lip despite me trying to talk to them* OH GOD. It’s a cold sore. EW. And I’m staring! *quickly avert eyes*” It’s awkward for everyone.
I was also told that I could eat food easily. Again, I’m sorry. NO. Mashed potato was not a success for lunch as the little sticky sticker pulled up and seemed to adhere to the mashed potato. Bonus was that then the mashed potato acted as a glue when I pushed it back down to stick on my lip again.
Oh, and one more bloody thing. I spend the whole time trying to make sure the damn thing is attached by prodding with my tongue that I must look *just a tad* ridiculous.
P.S. Sorry about all the talk of cold sores. I know they are hideous. I’m hoping you’ll join me in directing your rage to my orthodontist. K thnx.